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ArseWEB - Jokes, Stories, etc


True stories


The away goals rule

Coming home from the Coca-Cola Cup 2nd round 2nd leg at Highbury, TC met a West Ham fan on the tube. This was puzzling because TC believed the game had gone into extra-time (W.Ham being 1-0 up after 90 minutes and 2-1 down from the first leg). This guy declared confidently that the Irons had won on away goals after 90 minutes, obviously unaware that away goals only come into play in the CCC AFTER extra-time has been played. So he had either left Upton Park early, or had left at the final whistle without noticing that no-one else was leaving the ground. He probably got home and switched on Sportsnight to see the (brief) highlights of an extra-time thriller which he'd missed ! Shame.

World not so wonderful for City ace

(story from teletext)
Birmingham City captain Liam Daish has been suspended for 2 matches - after impersonating Louis Armstrong. The Blues skipper was booked at Chester on saturday after picking up a trumpet thrown from the crowd and giving a rendition from Satchmo's repertoire. But City boss Barry Fry said : "I know the referee has directives to adhere to but to get banned through being booked for that seems a bit harsh"

Jokes


  • Why did George Graham keep going to Goodison Park?
    To see if he could get back Anders!
  • What's the difference between George Graham and a British tennis player?
    When a British tennis player returns a backhander he's hailed as a hero.
  • What noise does the Highbury clock make ?
    BUNG!

special 1995 Cup-Winner's Cup section

  • after Paris, Seaman was on everyone's lips.
  • I always suspected Nayim was an utter w**k*r and he confirmed it by lobbing seaman from 50 yards.
Incidentally, someone told these jokes to Dave himself, but they went right over his head.

And we want to stress that Arsenal fans are not blaming big Dave for that goal. It's just healthy to be able to see the funny side.


the following item comes courtesy of "Up The Arse" (see Fanzines page.

Special offer Special offer Special offer Special offer

TO CELEBRATE HEWLETT PACKARDS SPONSORSHIP OF TOTTENHAM HOTSPUR, HP ARE PROUD TO ANNOUNCE A SPECIAL LIMITED EDITION PERSONAL COMPUTER

We haven't cut any corners to bring you this remarkable deal. We know what football fans demand from a PC, and it's all in the HP HotSpur HS2 together with one of the best guarantees in the business - a full 30 year warranty of no more championships in its life-time.
Features include:
: KLINSMANN OPERATING SYSTEM
System falls over again and again without even touching the keyboard
: SPENTIUM PROCESSOR
After buying this you'll have no money left for any other purchases
: HUGE ON-BOARD MEMORY
Comes with a massive 32 Megabytes - you'll need it to remember the last Spurs championship
: LOCAL BUS
There are no tube stations near this ground
: MABBUTTBLASTER PRO SOUND BOARD
Constant whining sound from both speakers.
The Hotspur comes with
  • a hot and cold blowing fan depending upon their league position.
  • PLEAT double speed Seedy ROM only L200 extra (excluding VAT)
  • Guaranteed incompatible with anything else
Another mug's eyeful brought to you by Sugar's Hot Independant Traders

----------  ---------  ----------  -----------  ------------

Please send me .... HP Hotspur PCs.
I was stupid enough to buy a crappy Amstrad 8256 and I'll be more than happy 
to throw good money after bad on another Sugar inspired investment
Name    ................................................
Address ................................................
        ................................................  

Many thanks to all those who provided the above material, including Trev Collins, Chris Walters, Andrew simms, Warren Swaine, Jenny Cann, David Trice, Ian Mote, Paul Nolan.
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